Codependency – The People-Pleasing Mindset and Why It Is So Hard to Break

When I tell people I am a therapist who specializes in codependency, I get a lot of questions on what that term means exactly. When people hear the term “codependency,” they often think of substance abuse or addiction. This can fall under the scope of codependency, but in the last couple decades, education and awareness has brought light to the term and how prevalent it is in individuals, relationships and family dynamics and it is now thought to encompass a wide array of behaviors and mindsets.

What is codependency?

Codependency is defined as an excessive reliance or attachment on external sources or people; sacrificing your own needs to focus on those of a partner, friend, or family member. Someone with these behaviors lacks boundaries in relationships and easily takes on other people’s emotions or problems. Codependency is a mindset, and if these traits are showing up in one relationship you have – they’re most likely going to show up in others too until they are addressed and worked on.

What does codependency look like?

Codependency can look like a person “people-pleasing” in relationships or even with people they may not know very well. This person may feel incredibly uncomfortable believing that someone is upset with them and will go out of their way to appease them and get in their good graces – even if that involves sacrificing what they truly want. This can also look like someone who bounces off what other people say and adopts other people’s ideas and values because they don’t know how or are too afraid to stand on their own. This can present as a person who feels the need to fix other people’s issues and finds themselves in the role of caregiver or savior. This person usually has low self-esteem/self-worth and struggles setting boundaries in relationships. On the surface, they may seem very “go-with-the-flow,” have a likeable personality, be sweet and cheerful, however, under the surface, they may be brewing with resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression because they feel like they are constantly bending over backwards for people, yet they do not get the same treatment reciprocated.

Why/how do people become codependent?

Let me make this clear, no one chooses to be this way. This is a painful and lonely way of thinking, and it is not something you can just switch off. Codependent behaviors are often learned in childhood as a method for the child to get their needs met. Children are resilient and adapt to their circumstances, and when a child grows up believing they need to be or act a certain way in order to be accepted and loved, they absorb this way of thinking into adulthood, unless it is addressed and worked on beforehand.

Some risk factors for developing codependent behaviors are:

· Childhood abandonment or neglect

· Narcissistic parents or caregivers

· Anxious or avoidant attachment styles in parents

· Childhood abuse or trauma

· Parentified children

· Dysfunctional family dynamics

How can codependency be addressed and worked on?

If codependency is not addressed, it can invade all aspects of one’s life and cause worsening anxiety, resentment, ruminating thoughts, depression, feelings of emptiness and low self-esteem and self-worth. The core of this behavior is a lack of identity and sense of self. This person has spent so much of their life putting others needs first that they haven’t had time to focus on their own. If this is you, first off, please be kind to yourself. At one point, these habits you are trying so hard to change were the very things you needed to survive. The caregiver/savior mindset may seem like a selfless role to be in, but in reality, it not only takes away your own autonomy, but it also takes away the autonomy of the person you are trying to save by not allowing them the freedom to deal with the consequences of their own actions. In the long run, it hinders both people’s growth as individuals and in the relationship. This mindset CAN be worked on, and these behaviors CAN be changed. Therapy can help by identifying these patterns and learning the tools to work through them such as:

· Deriving your worth internally instead of externally

· Setting boundaries in relationships

· Coping with feelings of guilt and resentment

· Learning to communicate your needs

· Letting go of things outside of your control

· Allowing other people the opportunity to deal with their own issues

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a method used to help the individual identify these thought patterns and where they are coming from and learn to reframe them into more empowering ones that can increase self-worth and their standard of living, and from there lead to changed behaviors.

Codependency is a learned behavior which means that in many cases it can be unlearned. There is more life to live when you learn to bring the focus back to you, which is the only area you can truly control. Please reach out to me if you have any questions on this topic or want help navigating this journey.