Don't Let The Hard Days Win: Moving From Shame to Empowerment

I was driving home from dropping my kids off at school the other morning, and a car passed me in the next lane with the bumper sticker: "Don't let the hard days win." I was immediately struck with emotion and paused to soak that message in. It was a message that I needed in that moment. I thought that was such a thoughtful act for that person to spread those kind words out into the world. Thank you, person in that car.

We are so much more than our hard days. The feelings of fear, inadequacy, shame, are temporary emotions that we all go through, and they do not define who we are.

I find it helpful to have real-life strategies to use when stuck in these hard days and overwhelmed with these painful feelings. I refer to this as "shame spiraling" with clients sometimes, when these feelings take a hold of us and we start attaching meaning about ourselves from them and have difficulty interrupting this thought pattern.

A guided routine I use to work through shame-spiraling and into a more regulated and empowered state is:

Notice.

• Name the emotions that are coming up and acknowledge them. Give yourself room to feel seen and do not resist or pretend that you aren't feeling this way, that only grows these feelings and blocks the ability to move through them.

  
  

Regulate.

• After you identify what is coming up for you - regulate your nervous system. Remind yourself that you are safe right now and not in any danger at the present moment and that these are feelings that do not mean anything about you.

• Put your hand on your chest, take slow deep breaths and connect your body to the present moment. Some ways to practice this:

  • Do a body scan meditation

  • Ground your feet to the earth

  • Bask in the sun

Self-Soothe.

• Before we can rewire our thoughts or snap out of how we are feeling, it is helpful to soothe the "inner critic" or "inner child" voice that is speaking to us.

• There is a very good reason that these feelings are coming up, and although they may not be helpful or rational, we do not want be dismissive of ourselves. One way I like to approach this is by helping clients understand why this is coming up right now and what fears are attached to it, that way they can self-soothe from a place of understanding and love.

• I find these phrases helpful when speaking to ourselves and/or our inner child during this process:

  • "It makes sense you are feeling this way"

  • "Of course you are feeling this way"

  • "I'm sorry you are feeling this way and you should not have to"

Take the Next Empowering Step

• From here, what is one singular step you can take towards empowerment? This may look like:

  • rewiring the thoughts that are coming up

  • rewarding yourself with a coffee for sitting through difficult emotions and not running from them

  • calling a friend, etc.

• All we can do at any given moment is take one step forward. You do not need to see the whole picture or predict what may happen 6 months from now; just take one small step in the present moment towards your empowered self. Action negates anxiety.

• This step also is a message to yourself that you are worthy, you can overcome challenges, and gives you hope for the future.

The feelings we feel are real and are there for a very valid reason. Making space for this part of you to feel heard is such an important role on the path to acceptance of your whole self. The path to transformation is paved by acceptance. When we move through what is coming up for us and help soothe ourselves, it turns fear and shame into compassion and curiosity. From here, real lasting change can occur.

We are so much more than our hard days, and there is always something to look forward to.